Bear guzzles 36 beers, passes out at campground

No, this is not an alien spaceship landing. It's Brock Hunter's disco tipi! This is one of the ultralight spaceage Kifaru tipis with  woodstove. The lightshow package is a non-standard option. We only wish you could see the Korean snow tiger rug on the inside
Here, we are, enjoying the ambience of Brock's tipi. Brock was  spinning a variety of tunes this evening, including Morcheeba,  John Coltrane, and Django Reinhardt. This is "alternative" winter  camping for the new millenium.		Split Rock State Park in Minnesota.

P.S. a cup holder accessory on the center pole
would be great because we are always kicking
them over...

Text and photos by Sarah Ohmann.
Tipi and deluxe disco lighting system by Brock Hunter.

Subject: Two hunters from Michigan --- (true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

 A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get  ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
>
 So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with short, 40- second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a  location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator),  because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
> They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
> Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns  and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black lab used for  RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner...
 You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the  ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse  about  the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms  and  wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.

 Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone  insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
> ----BOOM!----
>
Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
>
 The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal  use  of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of  those $560 a month payments!

Redneck Express courtesy of Linda, Crestone, Colorado

Eat Vegetables, Die!
by David Carr (London)
February 3, 2002

Have you ever been more than a little aggravated by the snotty moral superiority of vegetarians? I know I have. I also know that I somewhat dismayed by growth in popularity of this fetish, especially among women. These days I cannot find a single restaurant in London that doesn't have a 'Vegetarian Section' on the menu.

This shouldn't be a political issue, merely a matter of personal preference. But while a vegan society remains the aim of the Animal Rights Movement, it is a political issue.

Thus far, in defence of my firmly carnivorous ways, I have always used the freedom of choice arguments against the accusations that I am promoting cruelty to animals, harming the planet and ruining my health (although why these people should concern themselves with my well-being is a mystery to me).

However, thanks to anthropology there is another, and better, rebuttal available. Thanks to recent discoveries about the early history of our species we have learned of the contrasting fates of two different but concurrent sub-species of early hominids: Robust Man (Australopithicus robustus and Gracile Man (Australopitecus garhi).

Robust Man was a vegetarian. We know this because of the extraordinarily prominent sagittal crest on its skull. This crest could only have evolved in order to provide an anchor for enormous jaw muscles of the kind required for rumination. That coupled with large, flat teeth, lead anthropologists to the conclusion that Robust Man ate roots, tubers and plants.

Gracile Man remains, on the other hand, consist of a smooth skull and lots of sharp teeth. He was a carnivore.

The trouble with eating vegetables is that they are difficult to digest and require a large gut in order to do so. Meat, however, is easy to digest. So Robust's metabolic energy went into the development of his huge gut and Gracile's metabolic energy went into the development of his brain.

As a result, Gracile went from picking the marrow out of  bones to developing hunting skills and eventually become us while poor retarded old Robust wallowed around on the floor of the forest and farted himself into oblivion.

So the next time somebody tells you that meat is murder, you can reply yes, but vegetables are suicide.

Subject: Fw: Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my ....."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and
bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive
and for which I am truly thankful."

Texas Style Hunting

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground.  He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.  He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead!  What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.  I can
help.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

General Reinwald Interview, NPR

This was sent to us via email - a classic.
> > Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta  love this!!!!
> >
 I was listening to the radio the other day, and I  heard one of the all-time  best comeback lines in my life.  Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his  military installation.

> > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what  things  are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
> >
> > GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
> >
> > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting!  That's a bit  irresponsible, isn't it?"
> >
> > GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be  properly supervised on the rifle range."
> >
> > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a  terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
> >
> > GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how.  We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.  "
> >
> > FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to  become violent killers."
> >
> > GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?   "
> >
> > The radio went silent and the interview ended.  And all I could think was, "Go Army!"

Province of British Columbia, Ministry of Fish & Wildlife

WARNING

Due to the rising frequency of human-bear encounters the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out-of-doors in a recreational, or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear noisy little bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.  We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry 'pepper spray' with him or her in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear shit and grizzly bear shit.  Black bear shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.  Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.

Duck Hunting in Nebraska
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He
shot  and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
 over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
 own."
   The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things  in Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Nebraska
Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Nebraska Three Kick Rule?"
 The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
 kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
 The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
 that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
 custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
 the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
 ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
 The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and
said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
 The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Thank you

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a  millipede  with
a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a  rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his  skull.

> Nominee # 1 (San Jose Mercury News):  An unidentified man, using a
>shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally
>shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

> > Nominee # 6 (The Indianapolis Star):  A cigarette lighter may have
triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN.  A Jay County man using a
cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday
night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. 
Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home about 11:30
pm.  Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that
had not been firing properly.  He was using the lighter to look into the
barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Subject: warning about doctors
Statistics don't lie!

 Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year:  120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician...0.171
(US Dept. of Health & Human Services).
Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
 Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups):   = 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.00001875.
Statistically,  doctors are approximately 9,120 times more dangerous than gun owners.
FACT:  Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least =
one  Doctor.
 Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
 We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
 Remember: Guns don't kill people, doctors do.

"Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't havin sex with
our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
Cowboy Logic on coyote population control.
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